This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: January 29, 2021
January 22
I miss real life friends but at least I have this app, where I hate everyone and they hate me too
— Better things are possible (@InternetHippo) January 23, 2021
Congratulations to whoever invents forests. https://t.co/r12fI11fQn
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) January 22, 2021
my cat has become OBSESSED with sitting in on my zoom calls and has now perfected the art of glaring straight down the camera pic.twitter.com/RbFSQSlkV6
— Abby Tomlinson (@twcuddleston) January 22, 2021
The theme of Pulp Fiction is breakfast disappointment. Jules and Vincent ruin the burgers breakfast for the guys and ruin Jimmy's morning coffee. Butch doesn't eat his pop tarts and his girlfriend doesn't get her blueberry pancakes. And the diner robbery happens during breakfast.
— Bryan Lowry (@BryanLowry3) January 23, 2021
having siblings is so weird lol you spend the first like 15 years of your lives fighting & one day u wake up like "this mf alright"
— 🌟 (@cashlesscarti) January 23, 2021
Oh my God, Biden has a Peloton and wears a Rolex. pic.twitter.com/3t4ARII3sV
— Saverio Guerra (@saverio825) January 22, 2021
Biden uses a Peloton to save taxpayers $144,000,000 by not playing golf - how about that for a headline NYTimes?
— Testy McTestface - #MaskUpMichigan (@pkirkham) January 22, 2021
the sopranos is so cool i wish italians were real
— dan (@Dansplainer) January 23, 2021
what if that was some kid's wish https://t.co/TVaBVi6wh2
— Emo Philips (@EmoPhilips) January 22, 2021
January 23
I don't know what it is about eel scientists, but they do have a way with a pithy quote pic.twitter.com/GYY4pwdmp4
— Julia Galef (@juliagalef) January 23, 2021
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
— reilly (@GoodPostReilly) January 23, 2021
Thinking about a girl from camp 15 years ago called Xiu whose name this other girl named Brittany refused to pronounce and gave her the nickname "sunny" and how Xiu, as revenge, decided to pretend she couldn't pronounce Brittany and called her "Bing Bong" instead.
— Kayla Ancrum✨ON DEADLINE✨ (@KaylaAncrum) January 24, 2021
this is absolutely cursed pic.twitter.com/T094urhDKw
— c a i t (@kittynouveau) January 23, 2021
My kind of news day:
— Dr. Jacqueline Antonovich (@jackiantonovich) January 23, 2021
"Geologist Finds Rare Formation Inside Rock That Looks Exactly Like Cookie Monster on Sesame Street" pic.twitter.com/rKftbLw804
I'm not doing stand up shows indoors because I don't think anyone needs to risk their life to see me bomb a bit about how coleslaw should be called "milk salad"
— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) January 24, 2021
RIP Larry King.
— Coping MAGA (@CopingMAGA) January 23, 2021
I'll always remember that time he MURDERED Dave Rubin by taking a phone call from his grandson in the middle of his show. pic.twitter.com/Os97C48KKu
every day seth rogen wakes up, logs onto twitter, shows everyone the cool vase he made today and then simply bullies ted cruz to death and i just want to say i'm very proud of him
— kayla ♡ (@baz00per) January 23, 2021
January 24
Says the guy that made a movie that incited a cyber attack on our government.
— Rex Fenryr (@THEMRCR0W) January 24, 2021
All jokes aside, @tedcruz has spent more time defending himself against @Sethrogen than he did defending his wife after Donald Trump called her ugly. https://t.co/1fB7eZRqOj
— The Good Liars (@TheGoodLiars) January 24, 2021
My mental health surviving a really tough day but then my keys drop when I try to unlock my front door https://t.co/YZnC7t6CCw
— neutron star keno (@babybabypluto) January 24, 2021
When your code is a mess but it somehow still works. pic.twitter.com/ZytaNuZGd6
— Dorsa Amir (@DorsaAmir) January 24, 2021
A homeless guy asked me for money today. I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going towards drugs"?, I thought to myself. "Nah"! So I gave him the $20.
— KPMoore (@KPMoore8) January 25, 2021
Isn't it weird how we as a society arrived at "monetize all your hobbies to support yourself" before "rich people should pay their workers better"
— Chance Morgan (@chance_m_morgan) January 24, 2021
"I'm being muzzled!" he screamed, tweeted, wrote in a column and in a book.
— Windsor Mann (@WindsorMann) January 25, 2021
Funny how people can separate Tom Brady's politics from his game, but struggle to do the same when it comes to Kaepernick.
— Ahmed Ali (@MrAhmednurAli) January 25, 2021
Thinking about when Dennis Rodman made my favorite instagram post ever pic.twitter.com/cVqMIqjmrj
— john wall stan (@dylmdav) January 25, 2021
80s detective shows rocked pic.twitter.com/eKjFP5sU4T
— Kinell (@Colak) January 24, 2021
January 25
If capitalism is so great why does it fail every decade lmao
— Adriana (@Adrianabeate) January 25, 2021
boob is too funny... tit is too aggressive... breast is too formal...
— 𝔥𝔞𝔷 (@pixiething) January 25, 2021
society if we had clapped pic.twitter.com/jgmjqCJWD4
— the tim's gambit (@PostinMonkey) January 25, 2021
Y'all ever get these pic.twitter.com/vDFVNfbhLB
— Abby Howard (@AbbyHoward) January 25, 2021
For my Nolteheads pic.twitter.com/pfYO0FsEG2
— Presidant of Hei Network (@timheidecker) January 26, 2021
white people be like "my trauma made me funnier" and the trauma will be like when they got diagnosed with asthma
— yeet lover's pizza (@chunkyfila) January 25, 2021
January 26
If you wanna make it in this world you need to HUSTLE
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) January 26, 2021
H ave rich parents
U se their money
S tudy hard
T otally kidding about that last one
L ay around
E mbrace nepotism
Two roads diverged in a yellow woods pic.twitter.com/QhVipnUfKG
— f o x x x x x i (@foxxi_loxxi) January 26, 2021
My best friend who has only dated girls since we were teens said after pandemic she wants to date a guy and I told her that yes, one of the side effects of covid is loss of taste.
— Camilla Blackett (@camillard) January 26, 2021
My favorite empire that's also a piece of furniture is probably ottoman.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) January 27, 2021
PETER DOOCY: Mr President, what did you talk to Vladimir Putin about?
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) January 26, 2021
PRESIDENT BIDEN: You. He sends his best. pic.twitter.com/Fq0zglc9aK
A french kiss is like a regular kiss except it's soaked in egg first
— TIM BLAIR (@TlMBLAlR) January 26, 2021
January 27
They shut down that Stocks subreddit in 72 hours. But let them plan the January 6th insurrection on that same app in broad daylight? I got that right??
— Openly 6LACK (@TheHusayn) January 28, 2021
— Bobby Lewis (@revrrlewis) January 27, 2021
They seen poor people getting money and called in the government 😭 https://t.co/GTaB7oaTGe
— Maybe: Lonz (@lonsdaleslim) January 27, 2021
The SEC about to ban outsider trading
— Robert Kroese (@robkroese) January 27, 2021
Oh, you're laughing at the hedge fund that got juked by reddit? Well, they're bankrupt now. Are you laughing now? Is it funny now that a bunch of MBAs are out of a job? Can you laugh knowing they're explaining to their investors that they were out maneuvered by POTATO_IN_MY_ASS?
— John Field, "comedian" (@AmericasComic) January 27, 2021
the next time everyone's about to make a lot of money super easily could someone shoot me a text
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) January 28, 2021
January 28
Rich People: wHy dOn'T tHe pOoR jUsT iNvEsT tHeIr mOnEy
— Justin McDaniel 🏳️🌈 (@JUSTINtime4aLAF) January 28, 2021
Poor People: Ok.
Rich People: ...
Rich People: wait stop
— F. Thot Bitchgerald (@MyDadIsOld) January 29, 2021
Getting ready to defend the importance of capitalism online pic.twitter.com/SZru199pbu
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) January 29, 2021
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
— Sean Murray (@NoMansSky) January 28, 2021