This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 6, 2019
November 30
what kind of asshole owns a mountain https://t.co/T5sZNaMD4i
— myrrhological disaster (@bushido_thot) November 30, 2019
We give boomers too much slack when it comes to learning computers. You've had thirty-two years to figure this shit out
— admiral ron of public access tv (@ronnyravegan) November 30, 2019
peter parker selling spider man pictures was basically his premium snapchat
— Luis Vercetti (@97Vercetti) December 1, 2019
she's posted 5 pictures of Baby Yoda and 0 pictures of you. You've been together for 6 months.
— Chase (@chaselyons) November 30, 2019
I still think about this and laugh, every single day. https://t.co/4owdnOtNiS
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) December 1, 2019
James Harden learns from jumbotron he just got taken out two points from his career high pic.twitter.com/N2dwDMDNrn
— Giannis Wobtetokounmpo (@WorldWideWob) December 1, 2019
December 1
I don't care if my girl look like a potato. That's my ride or fry.
— ᴊᴜɪᴄᴇ (@Thatbulljuice) December 1, 2019
This is my #TwitterMomentsOfTheDecade nomination pic.twitter.com/KfRJDYdirr
— Patt Matricia (@BigNickMerriman) December 2, 2019
I still can't believe this happened... pic.twitter.com/IsadFyw3KJ
— Brooke Thomas (@BrookeOnAir) December 2, 2019
you live there now Kaylee pic.twitter.com/tcZos2xzyg
— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) December 1, 2019
I HATE MYSELF https://t.co/ydKeAVPqLl
— Hailey King (@its_my_KINGdom) December 1, 2019
*walks in*
— Swavey Vic (@SWAVEYVlC) December 2, 2019
barber: say no more https://t.co/B1fz59EhBs
I love having sex or playing basketball with you my great friend https://t.co/IGXI20Tw8r
— looking for CoD teammates on Raya (@ByYourLogic) December 2, 2019
"Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?" pic.twitter.com/u6ajsOGeJN
— Alex Jacobs (@alexnjacobs) December 2, 2019
December 2
how do we make these tweets stop this must end https://t.co/5p5PHKbK0M
— jordan (@JordanUhl) December 2, 2019
Amazon doing their taxes pic.twitter.com/1AxdTDEb0z
— Nick Turner (@NicksTurners) December 2, 2019
Cyber Monday sounds like a Bond girl from 1968.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) December 2, 2019
the human seems to think. only one of us can fit on a chair. but what they always fail to consider. is if we were stacked on top of each other
— Thoughts of Dog (@dog_feelings) December 3, 2019
"Nah." - everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2nd
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 2, 2019
This is a very weird way to frame a devastating food shortage https://t.co/FzsZkFmDbm
— Big Structural Beetle Bailey (@twogenevdabs) December 3, 2019
Tom Brady was particularly affected by the Patriots' loss #tombrady pic.twitter.com/rb0ZIeqgpH
— Bad Lip Reading (@BadLipReading) December 2, 2019
I'm crying Kanye is torturing them lmaooooooooo https://t.co/lShfquZsqW
— bolu babalola (@BeeBabs) December 2, 2019
I watched The Irishman with my parents. My dad was silent the whole time except when De Niro's truck broke down and he said, "must be the transmission." He didn't say anything else for the rest of the movie
— Ryan Schumaker (@YesThisIsRyan) December 2, 2019
the man lives in a pineapple under the seas, has a snail that meows and you're worried about the architectural accuracy of his house... https://t.co/GPyi888DrG
— kay🌸 (@sIuttykayIa) December 3, 2019
when my husband gets me a Peleton for Christmas ........ pic.twitter.com/Z2d3ewMhPu
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) December 2, 2019
Apparently Billie Eilish doesn't know who Van Halen are. It's a long shot, but I wonder if there are any righteous middle-aged men available online to respond to this.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) December 2, 2019
[as a lawyer]
— F. Thot Bitchgerald (@MyDadIsOld) December 3, 2019
me: "permission to approach the bench, your honor"
judge: "granted"
me, whispering: "are you mad at me?"
December 3
TRUMP: "I don't know Prince Andrew, but it's a tough story. It's a very tough story. I don't know him, no."
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) December 3, 2019
FOX NEWS: Immediately cuts to a photo of Prince Andrew, Melania, and Trump hanging out together at Mar-a-Lago during a party that Jeffrey Epstein also attended. pic.twitter.com/zBIfDBSFXN
are you in the right headspace to receive a milkshake that could possibly bring the boys to the yard
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) December 3, 2019
asians this is our black panther 😍 https://t.co/lBAbA2TtcP
— megan (@littlestwayne) December 3, 2019
if i was billie eilish i would tweet who the fuck are the beatles and turn off my phone
— alicia (@nerdjpg) December 3, 2019
Slint, SPIDERLAND (1991) pic.twitter.com/WUsare0zps
— Steven Hyden (@Steven_Hyden) December 3, 2019
British people guess how much health care costs in the US — and they are shocked. pic.twitter.com/dkRzFRYoJD
— Waleed Shahid (@_waleedshahid) December 3, 2019
Never ever tell yourself "my idea isn't good enough." The entire premise of Marmaduke is "what if a dog was big" and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
— Alex Hirsch (@_AlexHirsch) December 3, 2019
December 4
This lady leaves out drinks and snacks for delivery people during the festive period and I can't get over this amazon delivery drivers reaction pic.twitter.com/RBXTsKxyjd
— yasmine (@flowerhunni) December 4, 2019
seeing everyones spotify wrapped: wow im not all that interested
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) December 5, 2019
me posting my spotify wrapped: everyone will enjoy this from me, the protagonist of life
you've heard of Elf on the Shelf, now get ready for pic.twitter.com/f1xhFowxsM
— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) December 5, 2019
Patriarchy makes you think a woman who's being cheated on is a clown and not the ain't shit man. Lol. https://t.co/imscj64H8W
— Nnu Ego, The Daughter Of Nwokocha Agbadi (@Ethereal_ilo) December 4, 2019
Garfield comic pic.twitter.com/xKa0hjuLOv
— pixelated boat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) December 4, 2019
December 5
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 5, 2019
Dentist: so you're in constant pain
bro they got legal weed and 4 day school weeks? wow what a state https://t.co/RdwRW3DFoa
— kay🌸 (@sIuttykayIa) December 6, 2019
Whew, child. Nancy Pelosi let the Baltimore come out today, 💀pic.twitter.com/EjI2t4TmII
— this is a whites only primary (@notcapnamerica) December 5, 2019
every city has a "guy" they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go "oh yeah haha that's horseback jesus" and then that's just the end of the explanation.
— 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐛 (@calebsaysthings) December 5, 2019
No it isn't dipshit pic.twitter.com/YJrw49xusc
— jack allison (@jackallisonLOL) December 5, 2019
My Spotify 2019 thing just set up an appointment with my therapist for me.
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) December 6, 2019
Christmas Movie Idea: to make a sick child's dream come true, Santa must kill one Property Brother.
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) December 5, 2019
I saw a girl post her Spotify top artists on her Instagram story with the caption "so accurate". Like yeah it's accurate... it's literally data
— 🤠 (@manster_mash) December 5, 2019
ok thanks Spotify pic.twitter.com/R81t2MWyIJ
— Maggie? Winters? (@saggiesplinters) December 5, 2019
is someone forcing you guys to post your spotify things
— jesse (@_jorts_) December 5, 2019
this is it. this is the end of twitter. pic.twitter.com/if1s6lI7nW
— Tony Webster (@webster) December 6, 2019
This commentary is spot-on... pic.twitter.com/zKXfN0skGh
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) December 5, 2019
Imagine if Instagram released a year review like Spotify of what accounts you spent the most time stalking. Yeah no thank you but like imagine
— Gråçë (@graciecovz) December 5, 2019
December 6
Under Gingrich's leadership in 1998, the House voted to impeach Bill Clinton six days before Christmas. https://t.co/lALzmiVM4C
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) December 6, 2019
I don't even know who to blame anymore pic.twitter.com/9VcBxCvk6M
— Hi it's Matt Collins (@mitchberghini) December 7, 2019
um EVERYONE in Star Wars is technically an alien. For all you know Luke has two stomachs and a corkscrew peen
— Chip Zdarsky (@zdarsky) December 6, 2019
Abridged version of Trump's monologue during a small-business roundtable at the White House this afternoon. Actual quotes. pic.twitter.com/TFUvapKXCL
— Dan Zak (@MrDanZak) December 6, 2019
I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact we have the absolute dumbest motherfucker on the planet as the president https://t.co/BZSJzNLwiN
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) December 6, 2019
If my employer ever thanks the cops for murdering me on the job feel free to throw a brick through their window https://t.co/gTNnLO1oOF
— chris p (@akacrispy) December 6, 2019
ur in her dm's, i'm in her spotify wrapped as her artist of the decade we are not the same
— Kehlani (@Kehlani) December 6, 2019
If we wind up with Joe Biden running against Donald Trump, I say we put them both on stage and whichever one can reset the clock on a VCR after a power outage gets to be president.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) December 6, 2019