This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: July 3, 2020
June 27
She started seeing a guy that can pronounce gnocchi, it's over bro you gotta move on
— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) June 28, 2020
I CANT BELIEVE I MADE A CUSTOMER GET IN THE VIDEO OMG pic.twitter.com/T1ETvIN0UH
— ( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡ ) (@dianacortes00) June 27, 2020
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
— Joe Johnson (@JoeJohnsonIce) June 27, 2020
hey Im a restaurant worker PLEASE DONT EVER GO TO RESTAURANTS AGAIN
— brendan joyce (@nicetryofficer) June 28, 2020
Imagine wearing a rhinestoned Bebe t-shirt in the year of our lord 2020. https://t.co/gkG7YdirPO
— sam greisman (@SAMGREIS) June 28, 2020
June 28
What if u put ur fingers in a girls mouth to be sexy and she just made a really loud whistle with them that called a horse over
— Matt Moir (@distastefulman) June 29, 2020
Laying on a skinny dude chest like layin on da porch
— KAiWiZZLE (@GinaDaPas) June 28, 2020
A transphobe, a racist, a homophobe and an anti-semite walk into a bar.
— She/HerWhoMustNotBeNamed (@BurgundyBitch72) June 28, 2020
The Bartender says "Hey, aren't you that lady who wrote Harry Potter?"
It's embarrassing that it's so simple pic.twitter.com/7RUcMRBQqN
— Rex Parker 🐈🐾☕️🐾🐈 (@rexparker) June 28, 2020
June 29
people wearing masks without covering their nose pic.twitter.com/YNSIh2FTqL
— irl prince zuko (@gerrieyaki) June 29, 2020
Can you imagine a bunch of white guys in a rock reggae band called the Police releasing a song telling a sex worker to get off the streets in 2020
— Atossa Araxia Abrahamian (@atossaaraxia) June 30, 2020
— Ron Steslow (@RonSteslow) June 29, 2020
Fox News has done to our parents what they thought gangsta rap would do to us pic.twitter.com/7tv5SRb6Xz
— Seltzer In Place (@VernorsHerzog) June 29, 2020
June 30
The internet is undefeated...🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/WygnqtHu1U
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) June 30, 2020
I have a Carl Reiner story that I hold very dear to me. I figured I'd share it today, on the day of his passing, because I hope it will bring some other people some joy the way it does me.
— Matthew Rosenberg (@AshcanPress) June 30, 2020
Thank you for the inspiring words, Coronavirus. https://t.co/KtMoigzVB4
— David B. Larter (@DavidLarter) June 30, 2020
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
— suki (@desukidesu) June 30, 2020
me: yeah
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Do you think during the plague there were a bunch of court jesters who were like fuck I miss court jesting
— David Spector (@spectordeforce) June 30, 2020
A year ago my partner cut the tip of his finger off, he had it stitched back on hoping it would heal. A few weeks later they took the stitches out saying it healed well. We ended up tripping on lsd and when he went to touch my face his finger fell off on me.
— tay🍄 (@paradoxtay) June 30, 2020
THE TRAUMA
I don't think most people in the United States realize that they can't leave their country.
— The Public Archive (@public_archive) July 1, 2020
Just witnessed three Instagram girls fake picking up garbage at the beach for content. Gloves, a picker upper, no garbage bag...
— Woodrow (@danielwoodrow) June 30, 2020
July 1
Left: abolish the police
— cancela lansbury (@gossipbabies) July 1, 2020
Liberals: we'll rename the Pentagon the Maya Angelou War Center
Applying for jobs in the middle of a pandemic pic.twitter.com/wRLgclUIL2
— Dan (@kingdeficit) July 2, 2020
My gym just went bankrupt. Who's the quitter now?
— Raag Agrawal (@raagagrawal) July 2, 2020
follow me for more recipes pic.twitter.com/zrGRxIHRIk
— JB (@ghostofjohnbro) July 1, 2020
what a way to announce to the world that you've never had a woman sit on your face https://t.co/mWj0nbJ9Lh
— chelsea (@cee_ryan) July 1, 2020
this page is from a medical textbook that was published in wait for it...2017. pic.twitter.com/R5DV7ZqxJM
— lindsay (@lindsaaaytweets) July 1, 2020
Happy Independence Day, Somalia💙💙 pic.twitter.com/nQKOQFGSRC
— jamad (@Jamaaad) July 2, 2020
July 2
you think anyones ever gotten a lap dance to the national
— rava (@rava) July 2, 2020
orgy organiser: Hello welcome to the orgy :)
— no (@punished_picnic) July 3, 2020
me: thanks im looking forward to fucking everybody
Lockdown has provided important research time for science pic.twitter.com/3F0szNPLxo
— Theo Shantonas (@TheoShantonas) July 2, 2020
just a reminder washington
— darth™ (@darth) July 2, 2020
these ideas are free
there is no charge pic.twitter.com/4Vjt906TWu
For anyone who feels like they "wasted" quarantine because they didn't write a novel or learn a new language or get shredded, I have good news: Quarantine ain't over get back inside.
— Ashley Clements (@TheAshleyClem) July 2, 2020
Cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a mask on it
— Dan Rather (@DanRather) July 3, 2020
Well that's just awkward. pic.twitter.com/nE4PE7E7QS
— Josh Jordan (@NumbersMuncher) July 3, 2020
if y'all can retweet this enough times that Disney calls, that'd be greatly appreciated pic.twitter.com/GrKlIRxg3J
— Julian Bass (@thejulianbass) July 2, 2020
July 3
It's not lost on me that Jonathan lived through slavery and did nothing https://t.co/PmtImFCWzG
— Obelisk of Wokeness (@SweatyKeef) July 3, 2020
If I do enough acid today I can eat the sun and cool us all down!!!
— Nick Flanagan (@theflans) July 3, 2020
Sports officials unable to find non-Indigenous team names, despite entire universe https://t.co/O64WhdWSmT
— Walking Eagle News (@TheEagleist) July 3, 2020
The conflicting info from doctors has been exhausting-
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) July 3, 2020
First they said "masks don't help"
Then it became "we learned more and masks do help"
Then it was "yup, we still think masks help"
Then "continue wearing masks"
Now "for the love of god, wear a mask"
Which is it?!
A play in three acts pic.twitter.com/FhwGik1mWL
— Zack Smedley 🏳️🌈 (@Zack_Smedley) July 3, 2020