TV Funhouse - Pothead Theater by Robert Smigel (2004) pic.twitter.com/DLFGyM9t9P— SNL Snippets (@SNLSnippets) April 20, 2019
I just saw a real idiot at the gym.— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) April 20, 2019
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Jesus Christ pic.twitter.com/mXyCqgndtB— Volceltaire, Bastard (@Volceltaire) April 21, 2019
This image is killing me pic.twitter.com/H7R8RHzrtB— Dave (@That_Dose_) April 21, 2019
Just saw Avengers: Endgame. Wow. Two observations -— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) April 23, 2019
1) I didn't even know Disney owned the rights to Mr Bean
2) Bold choice to let his bumbling capers take up a full 40 minutes of the movie. Not sure it paid off
Buttigeig: I'm a basic white guy candidate BUT GAY.— Eunice Chantilly's tacky barrette. (@RafiDAngelo) April 22, 2019
Biden: I was your favorite President's best friend.
O'Rourke: I was in a band.
Liz Warren: Student loan forgiveness, free public college, $50 billion set aside for HBCUs.
Voters: Hard choice, which white guy should we pick?
This is, and I cannot stress this enough, a dentist's office pic.twitter.com/TXnB891Dvl— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) April 22, 2019
I really have a love-hate relationship with NY. pic.twitter.com/AsFSJZgoSE— Glen Coco (@DamienPalace) April 22, 2019
Fuck yeah everyone is jacking it pic.twitter.com/S3x9BcGesO— andrew woods (@JimJarmuschHair) April 22, 2019
refs you suck, confirmed by Blake Griffin. pic.twitter.com/SBzzsuSvWb— Wobvin Durant (@WorldWideWob) April 23, 2019
if people who compare everything in politics to harry potter have the right to vote so should prisoners— jaboukie (@jaboukie) April 23, 2019
On April 21st I smiled in the face of bigotry and walked away feeling the greatest form of accomplishment. pic.twitter.com/Dbrtk7MDAw— شيماء (@ShaymaaDarling) April 23, 2019
called in sick to work today but I'm not even sick— Matt O'Brien (@matt_obrien) April 24, 2019
oh no I'm self employed
oh no I'm my own boss
oh no I'm getting written up
I refuse to sign it
oh wow my boss respects my bravery oh wow I'm getting a promotion
oh wow now I'm the boss
oh no my only employee called in sick
Saw an old man in a jean jacket give the finger to a bus today. He simply didn't care for it.— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) April 24, 2019
please please please watch this pic.twitter.com/eiK7G52RDF— Em (@Embotronic) April 24, 2019
Wife: "What are the scratch marks on your neck?— H U Khan (@Huk06) April 24, 2019
Husband: Me and the guys went kayaking when out of the blue a seal appeared and slapped me on my neck with an Octopus!!!
Wife: Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to believe something as ridiculous as that?" pic.twitter.com/yWnOooYxRn
Nah. They should call themselves Warren G's https://t.co/N78aAMuUOB— Alan Yang (@alanyang) April 24, 2019
a space cowboy implies the existence of a space horse— andrew (@AndrewChamings) April 25, 2019
when you fall off a cliff but still have to finish the tweet pic.twitter.com/1m3wRDO6lQ— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) April 25, 2019
Norm Macdonald Weekend Update Compilation #2 (1994 - 1997) pic.twitter.com/j6bDZb4bGw— SNL Snippets (@SNLSnippets) April 26, 2019
Once you start allowing gay people to marry, what's next? Going on with your life in exactly the same way you did before? #slipperyslope— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 25, 2019
interviewer: how are you with excel?— magnet (@arcadeseals) April 25, 2019
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
if there is an animal anywhere, there is a house cat who has slapped the shit out of it. the sea is no exception— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) April 26, 2019
He's the Three-Eyed Raven now. https://t.co/rLjMI2wC7Q— Anthony Jeselnik (@anthonyjeselnik) April 26, 2019
After being inundated with literally one request, I added the Hawaii Five-O theme to this. 🔊 pic.twitter.com/0rylbaF0J7— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) April 26, 2019
Kevin Durant's 38 pts in the half of a playoff game are 3 more than steve nash's 35 in 2005 vs Dallas. It's not nearly as impressive though because there are more possessions in today's game. And because Kevin Durant is taller and better at basketball.— Steve Nash (@SteveNash) April 27, 2019
this rules pic.twitter.com/6xXCmXKSB3— ✨ d o d a i ✨ (@dodaistewart) April 27, 2019